My Crackpot Han Solo Theory (and Bonus Crackpot Predictions for Episodes VIII and IX)

I just recently watched the new Star Wars movie. Now, I’m not a huge Star Wars fan, but I do have a strong foundation upon which my Star Wars fandom is built upon. For example, I grew up watching the original trilogy. Every time Lucasfilm released a new edition, I’d usually get it (and only if I could get it in Widescreen). I would watch the movies when they’d play them on TV, even though I could skip the commercials by watching my own copy. I even read a lot of the books and comics and whatnot. At my last job, there was a company-wide Star Wars trivia contest, and I won.

But I don’t consider myself a huge Star Wars fan. I don’t have any of my action figures anymore. Really, the only Star Wars ephemera I still have are my Star Wars CCGs, which I stopped collecting after I realized it was getting expensive (I have two Yodas, FWIW). I also have each movie on DVD. However, I haven’t seen things like the Holiday Special, or the Droids/Ewoks cartoons. I saw the movie with Wilford Brimley in it, but only once. And I haven’t seen the Clone Wars or Rebels series.

So, I’m not a huge fan. Right? Still, I’m probably more of a fan than most people. Thus, it’s with these credentials I present my crackpot theory regarding Han Solo. Keep in mind that I will be openly discussing the events in The Force Awakens, so be warned.

After watching TFA, I’m left with conflicting emotions. I liked Han Solo, and now we’re strongly led to believe he’s dead. And while I lean in that direction, I have a few problems digesting that tough bit of cheese.

Han’s death, while predictable, also was presented in a way similar to Sirius Black’s death in the film adaptation of The Order of the Phoenix, that is, presented in a way to tone down the true emotional grit of what’s happening, to the point where people make crackpot theories regarding how that character is still alive.

I know Han’s dead now, at least, I have to believe that. Otherwise, I’ll get disappointed to have it confirmed later. But the part of me that wants to deny it spent a good chunk of time this weekend figuring out how Han survived.

In the movie, we see Han get stabbed with a lightsaber, and then flung into a chasm. Within the hour (or a similar short length of time), the entire planet blows up. In order for Han to survive this mess, a few things would have to be true:

1. The lightsaber wound wasn’t fatal
2. The fall wasn’t fatal
3. The planet didn’t blow him up too

So, we’re left with a particularly chunky predicament if we want to prove that he’s still alive. The simplest, yet least plausible way to explain it away is this:

The Han that died was a clone.

No, that’s stupid. That totally takes away the gravitas of the whole scene. And I would think Kylo Ren would know the difference. Sorry for even coming up with that theory. That’s not my theory. Mulligan!

An actual, reasonable crackpot theory is instead this:

1. Han made a lot of enemies, as can be seen shortly after his meeting with Rey and Finn.
2. Some enemies are offering a large sum for Han solo.
3. “He’s no good to me dead.”
4. Wait, who said that?

Are you ready for this?

Han get stabbed with a lightsaber. It misses all of his vital organs. He falls down a chasm. A man, about the same age as him, wearing a battle damaged set of green armor and a jetpack, flies past at the last minute, grabs the falling Han, and spirits him away to his lamp post bulb-shaped ship, which we’ll call Slave II. The ship leaves the planet, and onwards to fulfill the bounty.

Yes, that’s right, Boba Fett saved Han.

This of course assumes that Fett survived the events of Jedi. Search your heart, you know it to be true.

Let  me walk you through it from Fett’s point of view. After Han’s escape aboard the Millennium Falcon, one of his creditors gets so ticked off that he posts a ridiculous bounty. This attracts all the bounty hunters of any merit, but also attracts the attention of Fett. Han is the one that got away. This is the thing that will redeem him, if not to the others, then at least to himself.

Since the Falcon is the loudest ship in the galaxy, it’s fairly easy to find. Fett tracks it to Starkiller Base. After the shields go down, he makes his approach. He follows Han to the generator, where he lies in wait, possibly down the shaft, ready to swoop in and get his quarry. However, due to his daddy situation, he totally understands letting Han and Ren have their moment, and maybe he too thinks that Ren has turned over a new leaf. Though I doubt that.

Ren stabs Han, and since this is a long time before OSHA started monitoring workplace safety conditions, he tosses him over the handrail-free platform, into the chasm below. Distracted by a raging Wookie, nobody sees Fett catch Han, get to his ship, then escape the planet before it asplode.

In his ship, he stabilizes Han enough to get him to the highest paying customer and seek some form of closure over a shadow that had lingered over his Mandalorian visage for the past three decades.

While this probably isn’t true, it’s really the best way I could figure out how Han was still alive.

Now, for my crackpot predictions:

1. I previously thought that Rey was Ren’s twin sister (look at the poster!). Not so sure anymore. I think now they might actually be cousins, withLuke being her father. It makes sense, as each Star Wars trilogy is basically a Tale of a Skywalker. (Also, I bet Mara Jade is her mother.)
2. Finn has the force. I mean, he used a lightsaber pretty well. There will be an attempt to drag him to the dark side, possibly with information about who he really is (I’m thinking something like The Man with the Thistle-Down Hair’s conversation with Stephen Black in Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell, where Finn is Black and Snoke is the Man). He’ll overcome it, obviously.
3. Kylo Ren will look a bit more like Vader in the next film. By the end of the series, he’ll be a walking hospital ward.
4. We’ll probably see Lando Calrissian in the next movie, possibly at Han’s funeral. Maybe some other people in Solo’s life, maybe Sana Starros (wait, is she still alive?).
5. Hopefully we’ll see Fett again, as he tends to make an appearance in the middle movies of each trilogy.
6. We might see Wedge Antilles again (the actor, Denis Lawson, declined a role in TFA, but maybe would reconsider considering its success).
7. If we see Han again, as played by Ford, it will almost certainly be in flashbacks (because I know my theory is probably not true). Otherwise, we might see a Han clone in Episode VIII, which will feature the actor selected to play Han in the 2018 film. This will most likely be to make you more accepting of another actor playing Han. VIII should come out in 2017, one year before the Han Solo solo (sic) film.
8. There will be something much worse than Starkiller Base in Episode IX.
9. If Han is truly dead, Leia will probably be next.
10. And then possibly Luke.

Well, that’s all my crackpottery. Feel free to disagree with me as much or as little as you like.