To My Hyland Successor

This is not a rant. This is merely advice.

Congratulations, you're Hyland Software's newest Conversion Engineer. If you're a new hire, you're probably fresh out of college. Congratulations on your new job. If you're an internal hire, congratulations on your new position.

If you're anything like the rest of the group, you're a white male, but if you're not, I'm glad to hear that Conversion Services is getting more diverse.

If you're a college hire, I hope you're making at least $70k. If you're an internal hire, I hope you're making at least $80k. Otherwise, you're not getting paid enough. Even then you're probably underpaid.

But you don't have to be underappreciated! You can be a vital asset to your team. Not only can you debug software problems for your coworkers who have been developing software longer than you, but you can also contribute new concepts to the team's way of doing things. Granted, most of your suggestions won't be heard unless you provide a solid proof of concept. And still then, be prepared for it to be straw-manned.

The best way to survive your new job is as follows:

1. If you don't have a family, great. Try not to develop any committed relationships. You'll eventually have to choose, and in this case, there's no right answer. Just ask your coworkers. One is in the process of getting a divorce, and is losing out in more ways than one, as his ex is a lawyer. Another has a daughter who's recently come to need psychiatric help, as daddy's little princess isn't daddy's little priority anymore. Another sees women as a means to an end. Finally, the last, while a family man, has kids that complain to mom that they don't see dad enough. If you are in a relationship, set some ground rules with your partner, as that's the only edge in this triangle who will bend.

2. All work-sponsored events are optional, but not really. If you're not part of the culture, you're not part of the family that Hyland claims it treats it's employees like. The only time they're optional is when they interfere with your job, even when they're mandatory.

3. All department-sponsored events are the same. It's more important for you to go to Swings-n-Things with your department than attend a benefits meeting with HR.

4. All group activities are the same too. If you get invited to play poker, play poker. If you're a compulsive gambler, well, just deal with it. If you don't drink, well, start. If you're not one of them, you're not one of them.

5. Don't bother coming in early. Nobody cares. Even if you come in 2 hours before everybody else, they'll want you to stay 2 hours past the time most people leave.

6. Vacations and holidays are optional. While you don't get reimbursed for these if they're not taken, be prepared to work through select holidays. And if you schedule a vacation, be prepared to take a laptop with you. You just better hope they have good 4G reception where you're going.

7. In fact, you had better sleep with your phone. This helps if you're already doing 1.

8. If life happens to you, you're just out of luck. A leaky roof? Well, put a bucket under it until the next conversion project is done.

9. Make sure your management knows how important your work is to you. Project a sense of urgency, because if they don't see it, they will assume the opposite.

10. Don't ever go to HR for problems with management. If you have a problem with management and it's not breaking the law, deal with it. If it is, tell the press. You'll lose your job, but make a killing in publicity rights.

11. Keep the resume updated and don't bring anything important with you to work. You could be fired at the drop of a hat. And they'll treat you like a criminal trespasser when they terminate your employment. So, if you want your personal affects to not be far away, don't take 'em to work.

That's a smattering of my advice.

Be prepared for a lot of doublethink. Be prepared to love your job even if you hate it. Be prepared to be passionate about what you do, even if it's only a means to survival. Be prepared to put everything that's important to you on the back burner. Be prepared to "walk through a brick wall for a customer".

Be prepared to work at Hyland.