The Innumerable Doctors

Doctor Who, if not the longest-running science fiction series in the history of mankind, is definitely up there. With the arrival of the 12th doctor, I would like to present to you alternate Doctors who are Doctors, but not necessarily “official” Doctors. For the sake of brevity, I’m only listed ones that had screentime appearances in authorized BBC productions.

Dr. Who (Peter Cushing, Dr. Who and the Daleks, 1965)

Dr. Who is a human doctor with the last name “Who.” In a series of films centering around this doctor’s conflict with the Daleks, he brings his friends and relations across time and space in a machine of his own devising. “That’s no space station! It’s a time machine!”

The Watcher (Adrian Gibbs, Logopolis, 1981)

This is an “offical” incarnation of the doctor, not given an order. He is capable of time travel without the aid of a TARDIS. He eventually merges with the dying Fourth Doctor to produce the fifth doctor. I for one think he should spend less time watching, and more time moisturizing.

The Valeyard (Michael Jayston, The Trial of a Time Lord, 1986)

This is another “official” incarnation of the doctor, said to happen somewhere between his twelfth and last incarnation. He’s an evil incarnation brought forth when the doctor apparently tries to break the hard limit of regenerations (this hasn’t happened yet, as far as I can tell). To quote my friend, Ben, “The Doctor is penultimately evil.”

The Doctor (Rowan Atkinson, The Curse of Fatal Death, 1999)

In a Red Nose Day special, BBC gave fans what they really wanted. MOAR DOCTOAR! In The Curse of Fatal Death, we not only get a parody of just about every single Doctor Who trope ever, but also get to see five incarnations of the doctor in under 30 minutes. The doctor is about to retire and marry his current companion, Emma, until the Master and his Dalek assistants presents him with a challenge. He is killed by the Daleks when trying to communicate their ploy to betray the Master to the same.

The Doctor (Richard E. Grant, The Curse of Fatal Death, 1999)

Recently reincarnated, this self-described “cute, sexy and lick-the-mirror-handsome” Doctor. He shortly meets his demise while trying to rewire the Dalek’s zectronic beam.

The Doctor (Jim Broadbent, The Curse of Fatal Death, 1999)

This incarnation is shy, being afraid of women and feminine men. He meets his fate when trying to avoid confrontations with Emma and the master.

The Doctor (Hugh Grant, The Curse of Fatal Death, 1999)

This incarnation is handsome and heartfelt. He discovers that he wasted three incarnations because the blasted device he was trying to fix wasn’t unplugged. However, he absorbs a fatal dose of zectronic radiation, fatal to Time Lords. Making Emma and the Master promise to take care of the universe for him, he dies for the last time, never to be regenerated. Worth noting here is that Hugh Grant was later offered the role of the Ninth doctor in the new series. He turned it down because he didn’t think it would be that successful.

The Doctor (Joanna Lumley, The Curse of Fatal Death, 1999)

Possibly the only female incarnation of the Doctor to appear in any BBC-produced video. She is the next incarnation after Hugh Grant’s Doctor, showing that it doesn’t matter what the “rules of the universe are.” We need the Doctor. Unfortunately, she’s “just not the man [Emma] fell in love with,” bringing their plans for nuptials to a quick halt.

The Doctor (Mark Gatiss, Web of Caves, 1999)

This Doctor, in a nondescript quarry, reluctantly agrees to attempt foil some unoriginal plans of some Thal-like humanoids.

The Doctor (Richard E. Grant, Scream of the Shalka, 2003)

This marks the second time Richard E. Grant has played The Doctor. This time, he’s a little more world-weary and sarcastic. He arrives in London and helps defeat the Shalka. I must admit two things here: 1. This was my first experience with Doctor Who, short of watching a single Tom Baker episode on PBS on a tiny TV at the family cottage with my sci-fi fan uncle when I was eight or nine. 2. I would have loved if this became its own series. I heart the Shalka Doctor.

The Dream Lord (Toby Jones, Amy’s Choice, 2010)

The Dream Lord isn’t an actual incarnation of the Doctor, but a manifestation of the Eleventh Doctor, sans all his charm and whimsy. He’s sort of an Inception Doctor, who’s defeated when everybody figures out the best way to wake the heck up.

The Curator (Tom Baker, The Day of the Doctor, 2013)

While never actually admitted as an incarnation of the doctor, the fact that he is (a) played by Tom Baker, and (b) implied to be such, indicates that he is either a future incarnation of the doctor (possibly “the last”, after the Valeyard) revisiting an old incarnation, or is actually the Fourth Doctor.

The War Doctor (John Hurt, The Night of the Doctor, 2013)

In an effort to screw up everybody’s counting, there is the War Doctor. He is a product of necessity during the Time Wars. He eventually regenerates due to “wearing thin”, becoming the Ninth Doctor. Worth noting is that Hurt is the oldest actor to start portraying the Doctor.

There you have it, 13 Doctors to complement the 13 we’ve got (well, one duplicate). Who’s your favorite Doctor?

Book Miner - Tic Tac Tome by Willy Yonkers

[Editor’s Note: I have not given up on The Shapeshifters’ Library. I am just trying a new structure to my blog posts]

Tic Tac Tome by Willy Yonkers is a book that purports to be able to beat you at tic-tac-toe. This 1,400-page book is set up like a wordless “choose-your-own-adventure” book, showing you your available moves, and presenting a page number for you to turn to in order to take that move, and to see the book’s move in response.

Much like real games of tic-tac-toe, most of these games end in draws. Most of the remainder end in book wins. Only one ends in a player win. Oddly enough, my first run through the book resulted in my winning.

Upon further examination, I determined that the win was entirely due to the book making a stupid mistake, possibly to allow for the player to have at least one possible win.

While the novelty of the book is quite quaint, the replayability is inversely dependent on your relative understanding of tic-tac-toe strategies. Ultimately, if you get this books, you will probably not get much use out of it after a few days. At that point, you’ll either give it to a friend, keep it on a coffee table, or put it in your library of quaint puzzle books and curiosities.

If you’re this latter person, you’ll probably actually get a kick out of this book, and it’ll be worth your purchase. If you’re not, you’re better off finding puzzle-guy/gal and borrowing it.

On Spec Announcement

Okay, so I made a promise, and now I intend to fulfill it.

One lucky recipient will receive the following prize:

• One on-spec short story (10,000 words of fewer)
• A copyright assignment of said short story

The rules:

• Post a comment below indicating your desire to be entered in the drawing.
• I would prefer if you would not post anonymously, but regardless, please ensure that I have some electronic means of contacting you associated with your comment (e.g., if you have an e-mail address associated with your account, I can use that, or, if you’re anonymous, include your email address).
• I will do the drawing no earlier than the last day of August, 2014 (the 31st), but also do it no earlier than fourteen (14) days after I have received at at least 10 unique, identifiable comments from participants.
• I will not write anything “adult”
• I will not write fan fiction, unless it deals solely with verifiable public domain elements (e.g., works appearing on Project Gutenberg)

• I will be willing to write fan fiction for non public domain works if you are the sole rightsholder of said works, provided it does not violate any other rules

• I will not break the law
• I reserve the right to veto certain topics which would make me feel uncomfortable
• You are welcome to claim copyright over the story, and are free to edit it and alter it, but you must do the following:

• For an original version of the work, provide an attribution to me (“by Jacob P. Silvia”).
• For a modified work, include the statement: “Adapted from a story written by Jacob P. Silvia.” or some such similar statement. Do not present a modified version of the story in a way to imply that I endorse the changes, especially if the changes are “adult”, illegal, or otherwise might cast me in a negative light. If you feel your changes would fall into this, you may also include a statement along the lines of “... who doesn’t endorse this version.”

• I reserve my Section 203 rights for the original work
• I will not publish the work myself, but may reference it as something I wrote or contributed to if it is published
• You must be 18 years or older
• I will work with you to ensure that you are satisfied with the end result, but since I am doing this for free, you must be reasonable with your demands

Fine Print:

Void where prohibited. This contest is closed to people who are related to me directly or via marriage, up to and including first cousins. Please review your local laws prior to participating. By participating you are agreeing that you have read and understand the prize and the rules governing it. You are also agreeing that you are a legal adult and live or reside in a region in which you are legally allowed to participate. If you are the winner and do not respond to my queries within a week, I reserve the right to pick another recipient or to not award anybody. Multiple entries will not help your chance of winning. If you apply multiple times under different identities, you will be disqualified if I discover it. A purchase will not increase your odds of winning. 10,000 words is not a hard limit. If I write something that is longer, I will not force edits. I already wrote the words, so it’s more “expensive” for me to try to make it fit into the above guideline than it is for me to just give you a few extra words. This is no guarantee that you will get more than 10,000 words. You may opt to receive a shorter story (e.g., short short story, flash fiction, etc.,) with a desired word limit, and I will accommodate. You will only receive one (1) story, no matter what length you prefer. If you have any additional questions, please send them to me via an e-mail (see the Contacts page) prior to entry. Any comments that do not indicate a desire to enter the drawing will not be considered towards the goal. I will act with due diligence to ensure that it is a fair drawing, but my judgment regarding your eligibility and my decision is final. If there are any additional questions, you may ask clarification. Do not assume anything.

Book Miner - The Shapeshifters' Library: Released by Amber Polo - Chapter 8

We’re making good progress; now we’re on Chapter 8 of The Shapeshifters’ Library: Released by Amber Polo.

Synopsis

More dog books have gone missing, and Cutter discovers that the local book club devoted to werewolf fiction, made almost entirely of disgruntled former library employees, are being exclusionary to potential new members. Cutter kicks their group out of the library.

After that she has a brief discussion with Chronus in which they discuss life, again, and Chronus reveals a little more about himself.

Analysis

So, you’re running a library, and you hear about book-burning werewolves, and you believe it, and you notice that a bunch of books about dogs, the sworn enemy of the werewolves, are mysteriously going missing, and you notice that a group of former library employees, all buddy buddy with the former director, who is a werewolf, all of whom like chain smoking, and all of whom have a multitude of other red flags indicating that THEY ARE STEALING THE DOG BOOKS, and you neglect to realize this? You must be totally preoccupied.

Also, you may be wondering by now: “Why aren’t the burglar alarms going off when somebody breaks into the library to steal books, as it’s obviously not those shapeshifting dogs who are doing it?” You get the answer here, because a few chapters ago, Harold Dinzelbacher didn’t approve it. That’s why!

You just didn’t know until now.

This is an indication of sloppy editing, in my humble opinion. Were this fact relevant, it probably should have been seeded during the infodump that was Harold Dinzelbacher’s rant against fire safety.

This is yet another chapter, sadly, that has more stuff take place in the past relative to the action on the page, than on the page itself. Yawn.

The Lovers, The Dreamers, and Me

Last night, my wife and I watched The Muppets (2011). This got me thinking about one of the key songs in the Muppets’ milieu: Rainbow Connection.

There’s something important about this song. I’m not sure how to exactly explain it, but there’s something about this song that speaks to me on some level.

For those of you not familiar with the song, I urge you to find it somewhere and listen to it. Specifically, the last verse. As this post is discussing it, I feel that it’s fair use for me to write it out:

Have you been half asleep?

And have you heard voices?

I’ve heard them calling my name.

Is this the sweet sound

That called the young sailors?

The voice might be one in the same.

I’ve heard it too many times to ignore it.

It’s something I’m supposed to be.

Someday we’ll find it,

The rainbow connection.

The lovers, the dreamers, and me.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t actually hear voices. This isn’t a schizophrenia thing. It’s more a subtle calling. The ancient Greeks called it a muse, the Romans a genius. The song opens a door somewhere in my psyche leading to an undiscovered, unexplored world, as expansive and endless as I allow it to be.

Much like that oft-used factoid^[1] regarding the brain, I feel that I’m only using 10% of my potential, or maybe not potential, but something. There’s something I’m not using to its fullest extent, it feels, in some ways, like I’m standing in a room that’s uncomfortably too small for me to move around freely. Like I have a pair of wings ready to sprout from my back, but they’re confined by something wrapped around me.

It’s important that you don’t think I’m crazy. This isn’t a delusion. I don’t honestly think I have wings ready to sprout from my back. It’s a metaphor. Or an analogy.

Nevertheless, I feel that there is something out there, something I’m supposed to be. Some prize I’m supposed to claim. It’s a road, like Bifrost, that leads to some hall of heroes, like Valhalla. It’s an elusive path, but I feel driven to find it, to traverse it, and to reach my goal.

Once again, I know that Bifrost is a mythological road, and that Asgard makes as much sense as Yggdrasill being the center of our cosmos.

But where is that first step?

---

[1] Yes, I’m using factoid correctly here. Look it up.

Happy Birthday to Me

So, today happens to be a big day. If you’re living in France, it’s probably better known as Bastille Day. If you happen to know me and you don’t live in France, then it’s probably better known as my birthday. Everybody else probably better knows it as the Feast of Ulrich of Zell. Either way, it’s time for rejoicing!

Betwixt rejoicing, I’ll take this time to analyze the past, present, and future. Get your tea leaves ready!

Five Years Ago (2009)

I was living in Houston, working for NASA. This was my first year under a new subcontractor, and things were at times more difficult and at other times more simple. I wasn’t yet a father, but my wife and I had two cats and lived in an apartment ridiculously close to Johnson Space Center. It’s also around this time that Clear Lake Area Writers started blossoming into what it is now. At that time, it met at the Arts Alliance Center of Clear Lake.

Today (2014)

Now I’m living in Northeast Ohio, doing software development for a small company. Earlier this year, I worked for a major player in the Entertainment Content Management industry, before losing my job^[1]. I am the father of a delightful daughter, and my wife and I have one cat. We’re living in a house that started out as a dream, but is gradually becoming a nightmare. At least the commute is reasonable. Clear Lake Area Writers is under a new set of hands, and is running along smoothly, meeting at the Harris County Public Library Freeman Branch. Meanwhile I’ve only written one chapter in the novel I’m working on since moving to Ohio.

Five Years From Now (2019)

Well, I’ll be ramping up my bid to run for President. Hopefully my senate career hasn’t jaded me too much, and I can honestly promise change and transparency and actually deliver on it. I can formally renounce much of the power the executive branch has usurped, causing the system of checks and balances to be more about paper checks and market balances that it is about a nice distribution of power. I’ll actually shut down Guantanamo Bay, and make sure all the people there get fair and open trials with a presumption of innocence. I’ll make sure that the Constitution is enforced, and stop enforcing (from an executive level) any law that is in direct conflict to this document, and encourage Congress to repeal it and the Supreme Court to make a ruling on its constitutionality. I’ll also work to make real estate fraud a felony, because let’s be honest, it should be.

In a more realistic future, I’ll hope to have actually finished that novel, preferably no later than when my daughter is old enough to read. I hope to get some of my ideas implemented. I also hope to have all this nightmare with our house behind us. I worry, too, as our one cat is (in 2014) ten years old, and will be fifteen in 2019. While cat #1 lived past 20, I can’t be sure that any other cat will be so fortunate. That being said, I hope cat #2 will be alive still, and maybe just a bit lazier than she normally is.

In Closing

I’ll try to remember to do something like this each year. And maybe look back and see how well I did.^[2]

That being said, if there are any trends you’d like to see on my blog, feel free to let me know. While I post about whatever strikes my fancy at the time, I’m not above listening to my readers’ (or is it reader’s?) opinions (or is it opinion?).

Thank you.

---

[1] This was mostly attributed to a lack of bidirectional communication between myself and management, but it’s a long story I don’t want to get into here.

[2] I wouldn’t complain if I got some write-in nominations.

Book Miner - The Shapeshifters' Library: Released by Amber Polo - Chapter 7

Moving right along to Chapter 7 of The Shapeshifters’ Library: Released by Amber Polo.

Synopsis

Cutter’s bright mood is dissipated when she discovers that several books are unaccounted for. More specifically, a whole lot of dog books are missing. She tells Chronus who in turn has his librarians look into. Since werewolves are unable to enter the library, this is met with a modicum of skepticism.

Analysis

Okay, so when perusing reviews for this book, someone said that the Dewey-speak was annoying. I agree.

Dewey-speak is replacing certain words with their Dewey decimal number. In the book, Polo renders it as “Cut the 631.8 (Dewey number for compost)...” which is visually distracting and interrupts the inner narrator’s voice. This would be less annoying were the lookups rendered as footnotes.

Also, according to dewey.info, the following numbers used in this section have this actual definition:

Number	Polo	Dewey.info
631.8	compost	fertilizers, soil conditioners, growth regulators
299.935	devil	anthroposophy
291.23	hell	[unassigned] (usually used for “death” elsewhere)

That being said, it makes what Cutter says 100% more hilarious:

CUTTER	Cut the fertilizers, soil conditioners, and growth regulators and tell me what the anthroposophy is wrong.
MCCASSON	Books are missing. Not on the shelf. Not checked out.
CUTTER	Nonsense. The library has only been open for one week. There is no way in death there can be a great problem.

(I must also present my frustration for another topic as I was looking these up, and that’s the walled garden that is the Dewey Decimal System, but this isn’t Polo’s fault.)

Book Miner - The Shapeshifters' Library: Released by Amber Polo - Chapter 6

Chapter 6 is next in The Shapeshifters’ Library: Released by Amber Polo.

Synopsis

Sybilla Dinzelbacher opens her new restaurant to great acclaim. Just about every important person from Ohio is there. She has a confrontation with Dustbunnie, but gets an earful from the Alpha.

Meanwhile, Chronus and reminisces on the students and faculty of his school while he prepares to teach his next class. He hears complaints from some faculty, doing his best to resolve them with the resources he has at hand (or paw). He also reflects on his lost friendship to another dog shapeshifter who fell in love with a werewolf, eventually fathering Harold Dinzelbacher, revealed to be a half-dog/half-werewolf.

Analysis

This is an example of what I was discussing in my last post on this book, talking about how entire chapters (or, here, half-chapters) are dedicated to events that are not happening on the page. Sybilla Dinzelbacher basically walks into the restaurant, grumps at her husband, and then grumps at Dustbunnie, and then gets an exposition on werewolf history, including more library fires. Chronus basically walks down the hallway and peeks into the different classrooms, all while reflecting on dog shapeshifter history.

All in all, nothing really happens. Everything has already happened.

And, yes, I will keep complaining about this.

Also, as I mentioned before, I doubt that the “glitterati” of Ohio would all make the trek down to the southwest Ohio to go to a fancy restaurant (In fact, the general impression of Cincinnati up here in Cleveland is that it might as well be in Kentucky). Maybe people from Columbus would be there, but most likely nobody from Cleveland. In fact, I would be willing to wager that the “three baseball players” that showed up were all Reds, and no Indians.

Keep in mind, I’m not hating on Cincinnati (or even Kentucky), I’m just expressing the general view of people in Cleveland. Keep in mind that up here in Cleveland, there’s even a dichotomy between east Clevelanders and west Clevelanders, where it’s actually noteworthy when they meet someone from the other side.

In fact, Cincinnati-style chili happens to be my favorite. Just don’t tell the people I know in Texas know...

Book Miner - The Shapeshifters' Library: Released by Amber Polo - Chapter 5

Now we cover Chapter 5 of The Shapeshifters’ Library: Released by Amber Polo.

Synopsis

Cutter has finally finished the work to open the brand new Shipsfeather Public Library. It’s been too long since she’s seen Chronus, but he’s been helping in the background, even if he hasn’t been socializing with her. She’s denied a grand opening so as it won’t interfere with Sybilla Dinzelbacher’s restaurant’s grand opening.

After discovering a stack of somewhat mutilated books in the library, she goes on a small tour, trying to identify potential werewolves in her staff. Unable to identify a single one, she eventually discovers a more innocuous cause of the book mutilation: a library patron’s teething puppy.

Chronus meets up with her and the two catch up. They discuss the problems Cutter had in funding the library and the over-the-top measures Harold Dinzelbacher has been trying to enforce to ensure that the library would not be safe from fire and arson. In the end, they reminisce on family, especially Cutter’s lack thereof, having been orphaned and raised by aunts.

Analysis

So, if I knew of the existence of book-burning werewolves, and some guy was doing almost everything he could to ensure that my library was a stray spark away from becoming a literary inferno, I’d start to suspect him. I mean, Harold Dinzelbacher might as well be demanding that the fire suppression heads be filled with gasoline. And nobody catches that?

You would think, even though the town is effectively run by werewolves, that someone on the county or state level would step up and enforce code. While I may not like Kasich’s anti-Libertarian attempts, I highly doubt he’s a werewolf… And iff he is, someone needs to explain to him the difference between a “libertarian” and a “librarian”.

The most irritating thing about this book though are not things solved by my actually suspending my disbelief for a moment, but rather the fact that most of the events that are described in the book happen in the past relative to the events in the book. An entire chapter may involve someone walking across a hallway, but will take up several pages as that character reminisces on the history of each thing he or she sees. This can be annoying for a reader such as I, as I’m painfully aware of “showy” versus “telly” writing (hint: showing is better than telling).

That is to say there are not places where telling gets things across. Many great writers do that. In fact, the first chapter of The Hobbit is practically Bilbo’s family history (and takes about an hour to read aloud). It just takes a bit of finesse to make it work. In Released, it’s not working.

Book Miner - The Shapeshifters' Library: Released by Amber Polo - Chapter 4

Moving on to Chapter 4 in The Shapeshifters’ Library: Released by Amber Polo.

Synopsis

In this chapter, Chronus makes himself known to Cutter, revealing the ancient history of shapeshifters, the presence of dog shapeshifters in the basements of the building, and their recent battle with the book-burning werewolves. Cutter takes a moment for it all to sink in, but finally accepts it. Chronus leaves her for a few days while construction commences on the academy to fully transform it into the new library.

Analysis

It is at this point that something completely unrelated to the prose has come to bother me. It’s the print. The printers used some sort of dot-based printer. Now I can’t help but notice the individual dots of each letter as I read the book. Ugh.

Besides that, though, I felt that this chapter existed solely to bring the reader (through Cutter) up to speed on what’s going on. There are shapeshifters, and they have existed since forever, and the dogs decided to become librarians to help catalog wisdom. The wolves have become book burners, dedicated to squashing ideas. And that’s what it’s been like until now. In some ways I’m reminded of A Series of Unfortunate Events.

I found it funny that the burning of the Library of Alexandria and the destruction of the Maya codices was blamed on werewolves, as were lesser problems, like the deeds of grumpy librarians and ill-informed parents who want to prevent their kids from reading The Catcher in the Rye. I think those events have something else in common, and it’s not werewolves… (with possible exception of the Library of Alexandria, but the jury’s still out)

All in all, each chapter has left me more “meh” than anything else. I read it because it has more pages, and that’s about it.

Terrifying Children's Literature - The Thingumajig Book of Manners

My wife and I were discussing blankets recently, and how no matter how hot it is, we need a blanket covering some part of us to fall asleep. I only need a blanket covering my feet, and I can tell you why.

It was in the mid eighties, and I was learning to read. I started with a book about a cat who tries, and fails, to mimic what he sees on TV (I can’t honestly remember what this book is called). However, shortly after I started reading, I acquired a book called The Thingumajig Book of Manners by Irene and Dick Keller. Just looking at the cover sends shivers down my spine.

There’s something about the way they’re drawn that’s unsettling, but the most unsettling part was near the end (forgive me for not getting it right. I’d rather not actually look at the book anymore), about how they would eat your feet or toes. It could have even been them eating their own toenails. I have no clue.

I distinctly remember, as a young child, making sure my blanket was covering my feet, and tucked under the bottom of the foot of mattress. I would drift off to sleep, staring down towards the foot of my bed, terrified that a Thingumajig would pop its long-nosed, dark-haired head over the edge of my bed, give a sadistic, shrieking  laugh, and then begin to gobble my toes. Shudder.

And that probably explains me.